I’d rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid

In the beginning of 2005 I thought about killing myself. I never got to the point that I ever really thought I would go through with it but I was at the point where I could understand how someone who felt the way I was feeling could. I realized that that was over 3 years ago now. My life has changed so much since then I would barely recognize that person. My story isn’t the subject, just gives some context to how and why I’m writing this.

I have never really talked about it with anyone in real detail besides a therapist who ended up being a turd. I was living at home after dropping out of Wentworth, the only college I applied to. I graduated 13th, or something close to that, in my class, was in the top 2 in my shop, got a 1300 on my SAT’s. I was the smart one in my family. School was always easy for me. I only got bad grades when I was too lazy to do the work. I was suppose to go off to college, do well, get a good job, the whole nine yards. Ended up not liking the school, came home every weekend to work and see friends. By the time winter break came, I was miserable and even my parents could tell. My dad asked me one night before bed if I was happy at school and it forced me to realize I wasn’t. He told me that if that was the case I should figure out what would make me happy. I took that thought and decided (rather haphazardly) to switch majors to Sound Recording at UML. In the mean time I would go to Middlesex CC and work at CVS close to full time. After realizing I would need to pass an audition to get into the program I started practicing sight reading. So from December till pretty much the end of February my days consisted of sitting in my room at my parents house in front of the computer, trying to focus on practicing reading sheet music but always ending up just surfing the internet, all the while being yelled at by my mother for everything and anything she could think of (we don’t get along all that great in general, never mind having to spend all day in the same house). After a few hours of that it would be time to go to CVS and do the exact same thing I did the day before. So between the yelling, the monotony, the fact that it was winter, the feeling I let my family down by not fulfilling my potential, and all of it compounded by my A.D.D. keeping my mind in shambles (Digital A.D.D.,get it?) I felt like my life was going nowhere and wasn’t going to get any better. My best friend and I started to grow apart while he was at college and I had no desire to do anything but sit on my computer. So I started to think how all of the stress and sadness would all go away if I just wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t want to kill myself, I wanted to not exist anymore.

Ok, the point of this isn’t about suicide*. Its about perspective. I was 18, almost 19 when this all went down. I felt lost, confused, like my life had ended before it even got going. Since then I have, in no particular order:

• Changed schools twice
• Dropped out of college
• Changed jobs 3 times
• Had 3 different best friends
• Made and lost a couple dozen good friends
• Been in a couple meaningful relationships
• Lost my virginity
• Owned 3 different cars
• Been to 5 states I had never been to
• Spent 2 months in pain with an unknown disease
• Moved 3 times
• Met 100’s of new people
• Started taking medication for My A.D.D.

And thats just what I came up with off the top off my head. Again, not the point of this but giving some context. If you told me on January 15th, 2005 that on May 29th, 2008 I would be living with 3 people I have never met, living in a town I have never been to, working in a field I have never worked in, making as much as my father, I would have laughed in you face. I don’t live all that exciting a life but when I reflect on what I have done and what you have been through in 3 short years I realize I have done a lot more than I give myself credit for. I don’t think I’m the only one in this camp.

A lot of people say you should live in the moment and not worry about the past. Forget what happened yesterday and live for today. While I agree you shouldn’t dwell on the past and look towards your future, It’s not a bad idea to reflect from time to time and think about how you got to where you are. The reason we study history is to learn from our mistakes to keep from repeating them. Although this is easier said than done when you look at our foreign policy, it holds true on a personal level as well. You always thought ripping your pants open in gym class was the worst thing that ever happened to you until your grandfather passed away. You though going to Disney land for your 10th birthday was the best day ever till you had your first kiss. We tend to have a short memory when it comes to evaluating the ups and downs of our lives. I know I am especially guilty of this. When I got my braces in 8th grade I thought I would never get used to the feeling. A month later I didn’t even think about it. When I got them taken off 3 years later I thought it would take forever to get used to my teeth being smooth again. About a week later I forgot I ever had them.

I have always hated the saying “forgive and forget”. I am a big believer in the “everything happens for a reason” thing. There isn’t anything that happens that you can’t get something from. Even when it’s terrible and you feel like there is nothing good about the situation, you should get something out of it. At the very least, its something to compare the good times to to make you appreciate them more. If you forgive and forget you don’t come away with the lesson it should have taught you and you allow it to happen again and again. I think the saying should be changed “learn and move on”. You don’t need to dwell on it and you don’t have to hold a grudge. All you should do is understand how and why it happened, come to terms with it, and kindly move the fuck on with your life. The next time it happens you will be wiser and able to put it into perspective and make a better decision.

What really prompted me to write this was the though of running into a girl I haven’t talked to in over a year and what I would say when the obligatory “so what have you been up to?” question was asked. It made me realize how much my life has changed in 1 year and how I barely noticed because I have been so stuck in the moment. No matter where you are in life or what direction its heading, its not a bad idea to stop now and then and think about where you are and how you got there. If you’re in a good place, it can remind you of the bad times you’ve had and how little they mattered in retrospect. If you’re not happy with where you are, it can help you figure out why you are where you are and the changes you need to make to get where you want to be. At the very least it will keep you from overreacting to all the little bumps and hurdles you are going through.

I guess all I’m saying is, keep everything in perspective.

*For anyone who is feeling down in the dumps and toying with the idea, go outside and find a rock. Then hit yourself in your respective genitals. Then go get help. At the very least, tell someone you can trust or even kinda trust how you feel.

For anyone who thinks they know someone in a bad way, talk to them. The biggest thing they are looking for is a place to vent and someone to tell them it will get better. If that doesn’t work, hit them in the crotch with a rock then drag them to a doctor.

Or go to here (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=2) and learn the symptoms and warning signs.

Stay what you are

Nietzsche once wrote:

Do I counsel you to slay your instincts? I counsel you to innocence in your instincts.

He was talking in the context of chastity (chastity is a big word they used to use way back when that means keeping it in your pants, not just a stripper name for those who haven’t read anything besides Harry Potter and The Metro since High School. Ironic huh?*). To keep this from being a 4 page quote i’ll sum it up in to my understanding of what he wrote. The jist of it was that if you aren’t big on being celibate till marriage, don’t. It poisons your soul to act against your instincts. Don’t do it just because you are told thats what you should do. Your decisions should be based on what you think is right, not what is considered kosher for your generation. I was discussing something in regards to this the other day and it made me think of it in a lil broader terms.

Now I’m not going to tell you how to handle your sex life or what my opinions are on casual sex and what not. Thats not the point I got out of this. This is about being honest with yourself about who you are. We all lie to ourselves. We pretend things don’t really bother us when they do. We justify behaviors and actions to make ourselves feel better about them. We let things slide with people because of the other qualities they possess (ex. I know she ran over my mother but that rack is stacked!). But when it comes down to it, we know the truth. We know who we are. We know that no matter how big a front we put on, we are who we are deep down. And yet, everywhere you go you see people pretending to be ok/not be ok with things because we dare not go against the consensus or buck the trend. Whats even worse is when people do what actually makes them happy but then denies it/makes excuses for it. If you want to go out and sleep around because it what you want to do, do it. If you really like Nickleback, sing it loud. If you would rather stay home and play Sorry! than go out drinking, speak up. Don’t feel you should have to hide who you are. Don’t be ashamed that your different. Thats what makes you you.

Be a true non-conformist. It doesn’t mean having a green mohawk and wearing leather pants like every other “non-conformists” you see on the street sticking it to the man. It means being honest with yourself and being who you want to be regardless of whether its the norm or not. 97 million people watched the Super Bowl this year. There were probably 5 million die hard football fans, another 10 million die hard Pats/Giants fans, and the rest either wanted to see the commercials or just watched so they could be apart of the water cooler discussion on Monday. If you don’t like football and don’t care about seeing animals doing human things to sell products, don’t watch it. Read a trash romance novel if thats what you like to do. Play D&D with your friends if thats your jam. Don’t spend 3 hours watching a sport you don’t like and sit through mindless ads just so you can feel a little more accepted the next day. Don’t lie to yourself that you are kinda interested in it. Act like its just another Sunday night and do what you would normally do. When they ask you about it just say “I don’t like football, why would I watch it?”

Jerry Seinfeld has a joke that goes “What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.” Sure, we may suck in our guts, puff out our chests, talk more or less than we usually do, but when it comes down to it, its a meeting for people to see who the other person is. A job interviewer knows you don’t wear a suit and tie every day. Your hair isn’t always that neat. A girl knows you don’t always shave at 6pm. She knows you don’t always wear cologne just to go to the movies. They’re not interested in that for the most part. It helps, but its not the main focus (hopefully). They are trying to get a feel for who you are. What you can bring to the table. What you are all about. If your resume says you speak 3 languages and went to Harvard when you really flunked English and went to ITT Tech, its eventually going to be discovered and you will have to deal with the consequences. If you tell a girl you love chick flicks and country music, eventually she’s going to notice you bitching about the Sex and the City movie and how you grimace when Carrie Underwood comes on the radio. Your true self will always come out, even if its just for a second here and there. This is why they say you should live together and be engaged for at least 6mos before getting married. It allows you to see the true person underneath it all. People who have known each other for 5 years can learn things about each other within 3 months of living together day in and day out.

Now I’m not going to claim to be holier than thou. I have laughed at terrible jokes, said I don’t mind shitty bands, said nice things about the Yankees. Trying to fit into society is a part of living in a society. But we have been blessed enough to be alive in a time where there is so much diversity of people and ideas that we have virtually millions of different ways and places we can socialize. If you really like acting out lord of the rings in public, there are hundreds of groups you can join. 20 years ago you would just be some weirdo alone in the back yard. Now you can connect with people all over the area and meet up to battle on the common any day of the week. People might still call you a weirdo but what do you care? You are spending time with dozens of people who share your interests. For all you know, someone will see you having fun and will get the strength to join you like they have always wanted to. Thats way more enjoyable than knowing who won on American Idol. Embrace your weirdness. Its just you being you. Fuck the critics. You don’t need their approval to be happy.

Whenever I see people who really like each other together in public, and you can tell by their body language, whether they be gay, straight, fat, skinny, dressed weird, whatever, I can’t help but smile and think how happy they must be to have found someone who makes them happy and likes them for who they are. Laugh all you want at seeing two 300+lb people wearing anime t-shirts walking down the street talking about cartoons, but they have a connection that rivals any on the planet. So if you like wearing baggy pants and a sweater, do it. For all you know thats what the person next to you in skinny leg jeans and a tight t-shirt would love to wear if they had the guts. You are who you are, its up to everyone else to deal with it.

*No offense.

Red Letter Day

This is the first time the title actually goes along with the subject (sort of).

Ryan had sent me a list of skills all men should have and they were all pretty useful/entertaining/interesting things. There were a few no brainers, a few obscure things you would never think of, and a few things that really made me think. The biggest one to me was #23 which was as follows:

23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn’t mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.

That is pretty much a short and to the point definition of what loyalty is. Here is a little more expanded version.

Loyalty is another one of those things that everyone has their own idea of what it is and what it should be. Some people use it to describe a dog who is always by their side and obedient. I think thats more or less an animal sticking close to the thing with the food and belly scratches. There are human versions of this too. People that will be there for you because it best suits their needs and goals. This isn’t always a bad things. This is just more companionship than loyalty. You keep them around for your reasons, they stay around for their reasons. As long as everyone recognizes it for what it is, it can be a pleasant thing. But thats not the basis of loyalty.

Another common idea of loyalty is the person that sticks up for you no matter what. Its closer to what loyalty is but misses some key parts. If you stick by and stick up for someone, regardless of situation and circumstance, thats not so much loyalty as it is worship. No one is infallible. I don’t care what the Catholics say, every person on earth makes mistakes. Lots of them. Everyone does stupid shit they shouldn’t have done or realized in hind sight wasn’t so smart. I’m not saying you should abandon your friend if he makes a mistake or ignore everything you have been through over one event. Part of loyalty is being there in the good and the bad. All I am saying is that if you act blindly to their mistakes, you aren’t being loyal because you are hurting them. If you defend their mistakes you are keeping them from learning from and rectifying those mistakes.

Example : Person A fucks up. Goes out, gets wasted, breaks something. Whatever. His best friend is Person B. Person C comments on how Person A fucked up. If person B yells at Person C for talking shit about Person A, all he has done is made himself look like an ass and done nothing to keep Person A from repeating his mistakes. If Person B was really loyal he would tell Person C “Yeah, A fucked up. We’ve all been there. A’s a really good guy though and knows he fucked up.” He doesn’t condone the behavior, he just puts it in perspective and points out that this one thing shouldn’t discredit him forever. If Person A did something Person B really had an issue with, it wouldn’t be a sign of disloyalty to express that. Remember, if you agreed on everything, you wouldn’t be friends, you would be cartoon characters.

Loyalty can be something as simple as going to the same barber even if he charges more or doesn’t do as great a job but has always squeezed you in when you needed him to and he has cut your hair for the last 10 years. You stick with him, you tell him if he does something you don’t like, you say see you next time when you leave and mean it. There is a bond, superficial as it may be, that has been established and tested from both sides.

Of course when it comes to friends and family, its a little deeper. I have always tried to stick with the creed of “say as much bad shit about me as you want, I can take it. Say something bad about my friends and family, we got issues.” Again, this doesn’t mean that if someone calls my mom cheap and stubborn I’m going to try and kick their ass. I know she’s cheap and stubborn, hell, she knows she’s cheap and stubborn. But if you ever said she’s a liar, a cheater, or questioned how much she cares about her family, be prepared to taken down a couple pegs. My mother isn’t perfect. We don’t get along most of the time. But I know she would give up every thing she owned to make sure I was healthy and successful and defend me to the end of time. And because of that, I would do the same for her because of how much she has done for me without asking for anything in return.

The same goes for friends. Feel free to say you don’t like one of my friends or even the bands they play in. Not everyone is going to get along or like the same things. Just have your reasons and make sure they are legit. Tell me you think my best friend is a piece of shit because he stole your girlfriend. Fair enough. I wouldn’t like him much either if he ever did that either. I would tell you to calm down and stop over reacting but I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. Tell me he’s a piece of shit because of a rumor you heard, I’m going to set you straight. Put a hand on him in anger, watch your back. Again, loyalty isn’t about being a persons spokesperson, its about defending someone in their absence from unjustified attacks. Its about having their back when they need it most because they have yours if you should ever need it.

When it comes right down to it, Loyalty is about a bond that is established and recognized without ever having to discuss it. It’s the backbone of a relationship. Its the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Its the difference between a good friend and a great friend. Its the difference between relatives and family. If you have to ask for it, its not loyalty.

Last one out of Liberty City, burn it to the ground

What it means to be responsible has changed for me over the years. When I was little, I thought it just meant picking up your toys when you were done. Simple, to the point. Being responsible meant finishing what you started. Then, I got a paper route when I was 10. It wasn’t just about delivering the papers, it was doing them on time and finding someone to fill in when I went on vacation. It meant having to wait to go over a friends house and sometime not being able to go because I had a job to do. Little more complex. Being responsible meant finishing what you started and doing what you said you would do regardless of what comes up aka not making excuses.

Now I wasn’t always the angel wearing jeans that you have come to know me as. I was known to get into a little trouble every now and again growing up. I was told not to do things but did them anyways. When that happened, I learned what the next level was. Being responsible took on the addition of accepting the consequences of your actions.

When I got to the last year of High School I started to learn about philosophy and literary movements of certain ideas. As much as I didn’t like her at the time, I love that my English teacher exposed me to existentialism and some amazing books like The Strangers, Catcher in the Rye, A Brave New World, and the short story The Wall. The greatest thing I got out of that class was her explanation of the basis of existentialism when she used the word “responsible”. It’s the idea that we are responsible for everything good and bad that happens in our lives. We control our happiness and our sadness. Because we can’t dictate other peoples actions, we are ultimately responsible for our lives. You can’t control what they do to you but you a responsible for how you act in response.

So needless to say that altered my idea of what it means to be responsible. So not only do I have the weight of all the previous things being responsible means, now it’s up to me to be in charge of my existence and not have the safety net of blaming my woes on other people. It’s not my boss’s fault for having me work Friday night. I am responsible because I chose to work at my job and accepted all that comes with that and if i didn’t I would quit. If someone crashes into my car, its not the other drivers fault (in the grand scheme of things) because I chose to drive and accepted that this might happen. It’s not the other persons fault for breaking your heart because you chose to open yourself up to be hurt.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be angry when people wrong you or you shouldn’t be sad when someone hurts you. You have every right to curse out the thoughtless boss, the mindless driver, and the heartless lover. They made choices that had an impact on your life. They caused inconvenience, interruption, and pain with their actions. It’s expected that you get upset over these things. But you have to recognize that you are still responsible for your wellbeing. It’s up to you to deal with it and move on. How you cope and recover is dependent on you and you alone.

Remember, life is a gamble. Everything we do is a roll of the dice. From the moment you wake up to the time you go to bed, everything that happens to you is a direct result of the choices you have made are like bets with the world. As depressing as all that can be, you have to remember how wonderful the payoffs from those gambles can be. You see the payoff every time your best friend is there for you when you need them to be. Your horse comes in when you are able to walk out the door and do what you want. The jackpot is waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night and being alive in between because not everyone’s bet on that will payoff the same or even at all. No matter what you bet and what the payout is, you have to accept the outcome because you placed these bets. You are responsible to collect and square yourself with the bookie of life no matter how much you owe or stand to receive.

Dazed and Amused

I look around me and see people jockeying for social position and acceptance. So many people who live for the chance to be seen and not heard, living life as if each attendance to social events are on a checklist for their application for happiness. Like most things in life, relationships are becoming shallow, empty shells of what they should be. People are no longer striving to have a deep connection with one another that doesn’t involve their genitals. Sure, everyone is attracted to different things and no two people are the same but the focus on appearances and social status are beyond me.

You are more likely to hear someone say they are look for someone who is attractive, plays in a band, or likes the same music than you are to hear terms like humor, outlook, or conversational. You never hear people describing their ideal mate with terms like “understanding”, “empathetic”, or “chemistry” anymore. And yet these same people act surprised at the lack of monogamy and honesty in their relationships. People are be molded by media to yearn for these manufactured ideals. We are all bombarded on a daily basis by stories about celebrity relationships and shows about the charmed lives of the privileged. We have shows that glorify selfish people and create this contest of who can acquire the biggest and the best. The only reason people pay thousands for designer and brand name things is that we are told that these are a sign of status. And like physical objects, this kind of concocted competition has taken over one of our most basic human desires. We have been fooled into treating courtship as nothing more than paving a path to the bedroom.

The reaction I get from guys and girls alike when I talk about taking a girl out on a date is usually some form of “people still do that?”. I have always been a big opponent of the idea that times were better in previous generations and we have no morals. I always admitted we live in a more open society now where we can discuss just about anything without it being considered taboo but that does not mean we have any less perspective on right or wrong. But with that said, I have started to think we have given up the ideals of human relationships. We have become cynical to the idea of finding “the one” and replaced it with “anyone”. I think this is due to people settling for being treated poorly and accepting that this is just how things are. We have lowered our standards for behavior and our expectations. Because of this, we are willing to abandon the search for a real connection and started to try and fill that void with superficial sex and friendships. I’m not saying that being single and having a good time with someone is wrong, as long as you are both honest with what you want and what you expect, but I’m afraid that many people are settling for this out of fear of getting hurt or their loss of hope in finding more.

I have seen wonderful, capable people put up with bad relationship for the sake of being with someone. I have seen people who say in private that they want something more leave parties with people for the sake of scene points. I have seen seen their friends sit by and watch it happen for fear of being hypocritical. I don’t want to change the world. I just want people to recognize they should respect themselves and demand more from people if they ever want to have that connection with someone that goes beyond their appearance and their playlist.

Let’s not get crazy…

I think my innate desire to diagnose and help those around me comes from my inability to do that for myself. Subconsciously I try to fix other peoples problems to help me ignore my own.

I have never really 100% believed in altruism because of this. Even people who act selfless and are willing to give their own lives for someone else can never really be said to be acting in anything else but their own best interest. There is a thing inside some people who can’t sit by and not help. It makes them physically ill to feel useless or to feel like they didn’t act when they could have. By putting others before themselves and giving without getting anything in return is really their way of quelling this desire.

So, in reality, they are getting something in return: piece of mind. Whether you give $1 to a homeless person or drive an hour at 3am to pick up a friend in need, you don’t do anything without getting something back, even if its just the ability to feel good about yourself and who you are. I read an piece after 9/11 about people who drove from around the country to volunteer for the Red Cross and anyone else needing help. The piece was in a psychology book asking if it went against evolution for people to act in anything other than their best interest to survive.

And knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, I don’t think we could ever short out our genetic wiring to go against millions of years of evolution to do anything but be self-interested. It’s just a matter of how you look at it. I am just as selfish for picking up the tab as you for hoping someone else does. We are both looking to gain something, it just costs us different things.

This is the reason people become teachers for $30k a year. This is why doctors who could make 10 times as much in private practice work for free in 3rd world countries for a bowl of rice and a place to stay. This is why I can’t sit by and watch people in need of someone to talk to or someone to say it will be ok.

For every 3 bullshitters and fakes there is someone who has this bug inside them. The only thing I could ever ask is that you know I am sincere and helping because I get something out making other people feel better. That is my only ulterior motive.