I am finding more and more that people really struggle to be honest.  I don’t mean honest in the sense that it’s a fight to tell the truth any time they are asked a question, more in the sense of admitting what we feel.  It seems telling people what they don’t want to hear or what we are afraid to admit had become harder to do than explaining the plot to LOST.  On one side of the coin we have people who can’t find the nerve to tell you the truth about anything that might upset you.  Your appearance, your behavior, or anything else personal.  We think we are saving you from some kind of pain or embarrassment by not admitting we really don’t like your shirt, tattoo, or your questionable behavior.  No one wants to be the bad guy and step up and level with you.  I read an article a little while back about being brutally honest.  And while I don’t agree with the line of thinking that you should tell people how you feel about them all the time, a little more honesty in our lives doesn’t sound like that bad an idea.  Less walking on eggshells, less awkward situations, and maybe a little deeper understanding of the people around you.  I don’t mean walking up to someone and telling they you have always thought that they were an asshole but maybe come clean with someone about why you don’t really hang out with them all that often.  “I don’t mind being civil with you because we share a few friends but I find we don’t really have a lot in common so I don’t want to go out of my way to see you”.  I think this might clean up some of the social conflicts that escalate far beyond where they need to.  “He’s just not that into you”?  Well maybe he should be up front and tell you that instead of dancing around the subject and letting you keep thinking that there is something there when he has already made up his mind that there isn’t.  “I don’t think I could date you because I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship”.  How about instead you say “I like being friends with you but I am not attracted to you so I know it wouldn’t work out”.  Cut through the maybes and the might be’s.  If you aren’t 100% decided, say that.  “I do like you but I know right now this won’t work so I’m not going to put either of us through this”.  Don’t leave things open ended.

We can all agree its better to rip the band-aid off than to slowly pull every hair out with it while we watch.  Don’t waste your time or anyone else’s time by trying not to hurt their feelings with changing the subject and half truths.  “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.  I know you are really proud of it but that my opinion.”  The other person may take it as personal but, you know what? it is personal.  Its personal in the sense that you care enough to tell them the truth regardless of what will happen.  I don’t think you should tell a cancer patient they don’t look good if they ask but I don’t think you should tell a friend that giant piece of metal in their face is “super cute” if you don’t honestly think that.  Most of the time people are just looking for the ego boost so they shouldn’t be offended.  If they really wanted your approval they should have asked before they got it done.  They may never ask your opinion on their appearance again but they know where to go if they want someone to tell them the truth when no one else will.  I don’t know about you but I would rather someone respect me for my honesty than like me for my conformity.

On the flip side, we have the internal struggle.  Honesty with ones self is just as hard if not harder.  We have all done things we knew were a bad idea, hung out with people we knew were no good for us, made decisions based on lies we tell ourselves.  We lie to ourselves to keep a our ideals alive.  We tell ourselves we are doing something for the right reasons when we know that its nothing but a selfish act.  We do all these things to avoid taking a hard look at who we are.  We buy into what people say about us and what we wish we were and pretend that is who we are.  We lie to ourselves to keep us thinking that is the real me even when we know its not.  We go out every Saturday night even when we would rather stay home and do nothing.  We tell ourselves we want to but its only to keep up the idea that you are a fun person who’s always on the go and that is what fun people do.  We tell ourselves that we don’t care about how some people treat us to keep from thinking about how much it would hurt if we actually did.  We say we are better off without people to ignore the feelings we still have for them.  If we start admitting that we hurt, that we don’t have to live up to other’s expectation, and that it’s ok to not like things about ourselves we can start trying to work on fixing those things.  Don’t lie and tell yourself you don’t miss your ex when they are always in the back of your head.  Start thinking about what went wrong and if you still miss them, start trying to move on in a healthy way.  Don’t keep telling yourself you are a generous person when you only give for the attention.  Come to terms with it and start thinking about what it really means to be a giving person.  My guess is you already know.  Admit to yourself that you only have feelings for that person because of their physical appearance and realize you have been training yourself to “like” their personality.  Stop sacrificing personal happiness for aesthetics or a fear of letting someone down.

The sooner you can examine yourself and be be honest with you, the easier it will be to tell other people the truth about how you feel.  Help them be honest with themselves by asking “do you really care about that or do you just tell youself that to feel better about who you are?”  Have tact but don’t be afraid to step on some toes.  If they are a friend, they will respect you for it.  If they don’t, they weren’t a friend to begin with.  So feel free to leave me a comment telling me what you really think about all this.  Don’t pull any punches.  Don’t be afraid of what my reaction will be.  Don’t hold back because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.  Just make sure you are honest about what you actually feel.