ask your bank if they also offer a reality check

I used to think that I had a big problem with spoiled kids and do nothing celebrities because they never had to work for anything and it made them rude and inconsiderate.  I used to think the reason I get sick to my stomach when I watched shows like Super Sweet 16 and other “reality” shows where people acted like the world revolved around them was because they thought they were superior to others.  When I see people in public treat waitstaff and retail clerks like garbage, I used to think it was their unbelievable ego that made me want to slap the taste out of their mouth.  After some thinking and reading I figured out what it actually was: an unearned sense of entitlement.  It goes beyond being rude and self centered.  It seems people act this way because something has caused them to think that not only should they get what they want, they deserve it.

Maybe it stems from not being given a lot as a kid (My mother was/is very frugal, only shops in the clearance, nothing name brand including toys), maybe it’s because I haven’t been without a job since I was 10 (don’t worry, I was delivering news papers not sewing soccer balls), or maybe it’s because I come from a long line of people who have had to work hard to provide for and support themselves and their families.  Whatever the reason, I find myself getting more and more angered when I see this type of behavior.  Not because it affects me, and it does from time to time, but because I see it becoming more and more accepted.  To watch someone walk in front of other people and demand service before them isn’t the unthinkable, rude act it once was.  Watching kids throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want used to be limited to 5 and under but now it seems teenagers took a page from that book to get a phone so she can text her bff Jill 24/7 regardless of whether the family can afford it.

Now, as someone with low self esteem, I admire people being sure of themselves and going after what they want with confidence.  My issue is the source of the confidence and the overly-confidant.  When I order a drink at the bar, I know exactly what I want and say it confidently.  Jameson. Double. On the rocks.  No hemming and hawing, straight and to the point.  But before and after I order, I wait patiently to be served.  I am not blind to the other 20 people trying to order.  I don’t get upset if the bartender serves the person closer to her even if they got to the bar after me.  I make my presence known and once acknowledged I wait.  Some people on the other hand take the approach that they are entitled to instant service due to their cosmic entitlement.  You can see them yelling at the bartender, snapping, waving, anything to speed up the process they can’t be bother with going through.  It’s not that they are impatient, everyone has their moments with that, it’s the sense that waiting in line for anything is below them somehow.

I love quotes so here’s my first conscious attempt at one: “Stature can be earned or inherited.  If you didn’t earn it,  act accordingly  “  Example:  I was born in America because my parents lived here.  I didn’t have to earn my citizenship.  I didn’t have to work to earn the rights and luxuries that come with being a citizen.  Am I proud to be a citizen? You bet.   Do I take it for granted? All the time.  Am I humbled by it when I read about people who have to spend years dealing with paperwork and take tests to achieve the same status as me?  More than you know.  I got to cut the line just because of who my parents were.  We tend not to think of it in terms of that.  When we think about people who are privileged because of who their parents are we tend to think of the rich and famous but having parents who are American citizens is pretty sweet.  So I don’t dare act like I am better or above any trying to live here because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth in that regard.

My main beef is with today’s culture.  Bratz , Gossip Girls, The Hills, Paris Hilton, Super Sweet 16, Reality Shows, MTV dating shows, and so on and so on.  There is an industry telling kids and teens alike that your goals should be material and superficial and that you deserve nothing but the best if you fit their mold of beauty.  We watch shows that glorify 16yr old children from well to do families who are ungrateful of the comfort and luxury their parents careers have provided them.  They complain about minor details of parties that cost more than a normal wedding.  They treat their parents, the ones gracious enough to pay for the party, like servants and doormats.  That is taken in by average kids who think that this is an appropriate way to act if you want a $300 hand bag or a $20k car at 16.  I’m not going to get into the issue of the parents role in all this now, but it’s their lack of parenting that leads to a lot of this accepted behavior.  Instead, I want to discuss how this gets translated into adult life.

Now I am not talking about the well off people who have never had to work and don’t know what it means to earn something.  They are too easy to diagnose.  I’m trying to figure out the middle of the road people like you and me who feel that they deserve to get their before I get mine.  The ones that cut in line, cut you off in traffic without an afterthought, and think that the standard rules of society don’t apply to them.  After 9/11 the first thing people would ask is “How are you doing?” and “Are you ok?”.  That lasted a whole 2 weeks.  Now people start conversations without so much as a hello, overly excited to start talking about themselves without even asking if the other person wants to hear it.  They assume that the person obviously wants to listen based on the fact that they themselves are talking.  We reinforce these ideas every time a news story about celebrities doing normal day to day thing runs.  I couldn’t care less about who’s adopting a baby or who is getting a divorce.  I would be irate if people I didn’t know were being told the details of my breakup.  But thanks to this sense of entitlement, we feel that we deserve to know everything that is going on in the life of a person just because they were in a movie, regardless of the fact that the person wants to be private about it.

Ok, here my point.  The cause of 90% of the drama in peoples lives today is the idea that we are entitled to say whatever we want about people without consequence and we are entitled to peoples trust and respect without earning it.  We are shocked when our innapropriate behaviour or hurtful comments are found out.  Instead of being upset with ourselves for our actions we get angry for having a fake bond broken.  How upset can you be with someone for repeating what you said after spending hours shittalking someone?  It’s one thing if its your closest friend who you have known for years but it’s presumptious to assume somone you barely know will or should treat everything you say as top secret.  So here’s the lesson of the day kids:  You aren’t entitled to anything.  You aren’t special, unique, and you aren’t above protocol and procedure.  You have to earn trust and respect of everyone you meet.  Nobody really cares who you are or who you think you are.  You don’t deserve anything from anyone ever unless you put the work in to earn it.  Your attitude and behaviour is a reflection of who you are.  If you think like the world owes you something it will turn around one day and say “Wait, who are you? Never heard of you.”

Send in the clown

As I said before, I don’t believe in god.  I have no religion.  I have no book of scriptures to look for meaning and solace.  The closest thing I have are comedians and quotes.  Reflecting, i realize some of the most meaningful and profound things I have read and heard have come from comedians and social satirists.  People talk about being inspired by politicians and religious leaders, being moved by their words and passion about life and affecting people.  When I think about moving words about life I think about the first time I read Bill Hicks’ rant on the world being nothing more than a ride.  When I think about moving word about affecting people think about Bill Cosby’s speech about people needing to lift themselves up instead of blaming others.   When I think about passion I think about Jon Stewart’s opening to The Daily Show when they resumed filming episodes after 9/11.

When I look for high level commentary on politics I have stopped listening to talking heads and people who’s income is based on ad hominem attacks and praying on the fears and prejudices of the public at large.  I look towards comedians like Lewis Black and Bill Maher who ignore the Left/Right Bullshit and cut issues down to size.  They call bullshit on the fake issues like gay marriage and flag burning and point out the absurdness that is modern politics.  They try and direct the focus away from the superficial and back to the important by ridiculing those who try and distract us from the real matters at hand.

Why are people who have dedicated their lives to telling joke more inspirational to me than people with social and political power?  I think its due to the fact that they are normal people with the ability to tell a joke.  I have read Lewis Black’s autobiography.  He grew up in a normal family, went to college, worked some shitty jobs and then worked his ass off to become a comedian.  Comedians tend not to be super attractive or be in the best of shape.  They look like people you work with and hang out with.  They lived normal lives.  They live above, or maybe below, the fray of politics and religion.  I don’t vote based on likability, I don’t want a leader lacking in leadership skills but seems like a guy I would get a beer with.  These are the qualities I look for in friends and it may be the reason I find them so inspiring.  They seem like people I would love to discuss politics and philosophy with over a few drinks.  They wouldn’t try and sell themselves or their weirs to you, they are more interested in expressing their thoughts and ideas.

Comedians are the storytellers of our generation.  They go from city to city saying their piece and spreading their word.  They don’t claim to be above us or beyond us.  They don’t say things with the intention of being profound.  They mearly speak hoping to reach someone, even if its one person, and make everyone laugh at the same time.  Dave Chappelle doesn’t tell jokes about the ghetto and racism just becuase its funny, he does it because its a social issue that he thinks about and found a way to intertwine it into his comedy.  So when it comes to people who inspire me and move me, I skip CNN and move right on past the 700 club.  I find my fix on Comedy Central.

**The reason I worte this** Patton Oswalt’s Graduation Speech

And I just needed you to pick me up

So my father is turning 55 on Thursday.  I tend not to think of my family members ages all that much because they have always been a fixed number of years older than me and as I have grown and matured I have just kept thinking of the age difference and not the age itself.  My grandmother is in her mid 70’s now  but I still see her as being the same as she has always been, regardless of her health issues and her appearance.  My sister just turned 25, the same age my mom was when she gave birth to her but I still see her as my sister who is 2.5 years older even though she is a successful adult.  I’m not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.  On the one hand it keeps me from forgetting where I came from and what they mean to me no matter how old the become and how much either of us change.  On the other hand it kinda keeps me from acknowledging that they are getting older and things do change over time.  I guess I’ll just have to see how that works out for me.

Anywho, as I said, it’s my dad’s birthday.  My dad and I have a funny relationship as most fathers and son’s do.  He’s the cheerleader of the family.  Anything and everything I have ever done he has been right there to congratulate me and tell me how proud and impressed he is.  He’s gone through more physical issues over the last 10 years then I care to catalog but needless to say it has made me proud and impressed to know that he wakes up every day, most of the time in severe pain, and faced the world with a smile on his face and a “what can you do but suck it up and live your life” attitude.  Like everyone he has his traits that drive me up a wall with frustration but who doesn’t.

When I went through my bout of depression and ever since I have had a hard time remembering things.  The memories aren’t gone forever, just locked up under a few layers of fog.  It takes something, someone talking about an event, seeing something on tv, finding something while cleaning up, to act as a catalyst to recall things now.  When it comes to my childhood, a big one was the Celtics this season.  Thanks to their amazing performance, there was a number of replays of old celtics clips.  There were entire shows dedicated to the Lakers-Celtics rivalries.  One of the biggest for me was after game 7 of the Cavs-Celtics series.  All the talk about Bird vs Dominique in the ‘88 conference finals made me think about how much I loved basketball when I was younger.  And from that I was reminded why I loved basketball so much.  I remember watching Celtics games on weekends with my dad.  I remember watching the playoffs every year the Bulls won with my dad.  I remember every Pacers-Knicks game, watching my dad cheer on Reggie Miller and cursing out Jon Starks.

The thing I remember most to this day is how he would talk about Larry Bird.  He would talk about him like he was above and beyond anyone else to ever play the game.  He was in arguably one of the best to ever play the game but to hear my dad talk about him you would think he invented the 3pt shot.  I think I have seen just about every documentary every done on him.  I remember watching his retirement ceremony on tv with him.  The Wheaties box with him on the front and the Sports Illustrated cover issue are still in my parents house somewhere.  I could probably go on for days about how he loved to talk about him and watch replays of classic Bird games.  For father’s day this year I got him the DVD of the reissue of the Living Legend documentary he had on tape.  I didn’t get it for him because I thought he really wanted it but because I knew that he would love to be able to watch the old games that were on the bonus disk.  I got it for him because it gave us an excuse to sit down and watch it together and talk about how good he really was.  It was as much for him as it was for me.  It was an excuse to sit down and spend time together at a point in our lives where there isn’t much time for that anymore.  We have less and less to talk about as I grow up and apart from my family.  It was nice to have something else take on the role of the conversation starter.

What i’d like anyone to get out of all this is that there are people, places, and things that taken on a much bigger meaning in our lives than who,what, and where they intended.  When you think of Friendly’s you might think about going there with your family when you were little cuz thats where you used to go after every little league game.  Everytime you look at the old faded chair you might think about how your grandmother used to sit in it every christmas and complain about how cold it was.  For me it’s a basketball player from French Lick, Indiana.  These are the things you should think of when you start to get that woe is me attitude.  Take 5 minutes and laugh at the ugly figurine sitting on your desk that your aunt got you and how it makes you think about all the terrible gifts you got from well intentioned family members over the years.  Give her a call and let her know you still have it.  People need to let others know from time to time that these seemingly insignificant objects and moments are symbols for feelings that go a lot deeper.  The simple acknoledgement of this can make someones entire week.

One of the reasons I took the time to write this was when someone was talking about how they got choked up listening to Go Radio singer/former Mayday Parade singer/Ginger extrodinare Jason Lancaster sing a song he wrote about his father.  It reminded me how choked up I get when I think back on all the times we spent watching sports together when I was a kid and how, eventhough my childhood had its ups and downs, I can look back on those times and think I didn’t have a care in the world because I was laughing and having a good time with my dad and no matter what happens, no one can take those memories from me.  I will always be able to think back to those times and be happy, even if its just for a few seconds.  It’s one of the few things in life that doesn’t cost a thing and can be used over and over again.  So don’t take them for granted and don’t take the people in them for granted.  They won’t be here forever and neither will you.

Best friends means you get what you deserve

If you have noticed anything about the way I write it’s probably my use of quotes and links to articles and other information.  To keep up with this I’ll get those out of the way right off the bat:

“True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.” - Henry David Thoreau

And here’s the link: 15 things to know about the people in your life

Now that that is out of the way, let’s start.

I suck at keeping up friendships.  I have gotten worse and worse at dropping a line from time to time to say hi to people I care about.  I talk to the same 4 or 5 people online at work and hang out with the same 4 or 5 people outside of work because they are close by and it doesn’t require any real effort.  I have become complacent with hiding from communicating with my friends.  That’s a bunch of horse shit.  There is no reason I should feel like calling someone who I consider a good friend should be considered work or a bother.  I used to get angry with people who didn’t respond to im’s and phone calls because I felt like it was a personal thing against me.  I am the worlds biggest hypocrite.  I would love to be able to blame it on being busy or forgetting but I know that these are just excuses and cop outs.  Granted, some people have just grown apart and some were never really anything deeper than casual friends but there are plenty that I have just been slacking on when it comes to keeping in touch with and making an effort to see.

My pity party isn’t the real reason for this post, just a side thought that came from it.  What I really meant to talk about is that list of things to know about the people in your life.  Take 2 minutes to read it.  I’ll wait….

These are a list of things you should know about the people you consider close friends.  Not all 15 and not all your friends, but you can’t really say someone is your friend if you can’t rattle off the answer to at least 5 of those without thinking.  They might not be the exact answer word for word but you have a damn good guess.  You probably never asked any of those questions.  You probably never asked them a deep question about who they admire or what their biggest fear is.  You shouldn’t have to when you think about it.  These are the types of things you learn by listening to them when they say something.  You know what their favorite book is from the time you drove for 3 hours and talked the whole way.  They might have mentioned stuff about their childhood in passing but you remember it to this day because they said it with that tone in their voice, you know the one.

Do I expect anyone to send these questions around as a myspace survey to their BBF Jill? No.  At least I hope not.  Stuff like that is at the heart of this post.  I had touched on it before but I will do it again because it bears repeating.  Every time I look at someone’s myspace, facebook, pictures from parties,ect.. I see “friends”.  “Friends” are the people you see at parties and shows that you aren’t actually friends, just acquaintances you see semi-frequently.  Now I have nothing wrong with acquaintances or casual friends.  No one can keep up relationships with everyone they have ever met and some people just get along better when they only see and talk to each other every couple of weeks.  My beef is with “OMG!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!” and “WE TOTALLY NEED TO HANG OUT SOON!”.  The reason it rubs me the wrong way is because 1. It’s fake and just for show.  2. It is an insult to your real friend, that you are probably ignoring/not putting the effort towards, who actually care about you.

As Michael Scott of Dunder Mifflin fame has proven, you can’t be best friends with everyone.  Trying to make everyone love you is a personality flaw.  My dad has it, I have it to an extent, and i can name plenty more people with it.  It’s not that you enjoy being liked, its the part where you have to give up part of who you are and what you feel to accommodate the next person just to get into their good graces.  The reason your best friend puts up with you is because they know all your faults and idiosyncrasies and they still like you for you.  It’s up to the other person to decide what they look for in a friend and if you fit that build or not.  When you become their definition of who you should be you give up what it means to be friends.  And what do you gain? A “friend”.  Collect them all.  They are about as useful in the grand scheme of things as knick knack on the shelf.  They look nice, they be taken down to play with now and then, but they don’t offer any substance or give back anything worthwhile.  They won’t be the ones you call when you need to talk to someone, they won’t go out of their way to make sure you are doing ok when you are going through a rough patch, and they certainly won’t have your back when push comes to shove.

This isn’t a dig on people who get over-excited when they see someone at a party or send them a comment saying they miss them.  This is just a friendly reminder that your real friends wouldn’t mind getting that same excitement or a message now and then.  We live in a time where it doesn’t cost anything but your time to call someone or send them a message from time to time.  If you know 4 or 5 of those question’s answers but really want to know more, maybe you should grab a bottle of something and spend a night playing quid pro quo, wake up the next morning with a headache and laugh about it.  Maybe you should go to the mall and just walk around and see where the topic turns.  I dunno, just take a day, couple of hours, a few minutes and just talk about whatever.  I guess what I am trying to say is don’t waste your time with “friends” unless you have put the time in with your friends first.

Working towards a better me

So I got black out drunk on Thursday. I don’t remember anything after the Celtics winning. Very far from my proudest moment. I sincerely apologize to anyone who saw me like that and to anyone I might have been rude/mean/obnoxious to. It was suppose to be a fun night in honor of my best friend leaving for a month and I managed to ruin it for myself by not having enough self control. As I have stressed through out my writing, I am not a saint and far from perfect.

But, like everything in life, I am going to take something aways from the experience (besides a $25 parking ticket and a $60 bar tab) I am going to, starting today, make it a point to try and improve myself one day at a time for the next 30 days. I have been feeling like my life is getting stagnant and in need of some adjustments. As much as I like my life being in a certain rhythm and free of shake-ups, I am going to try and do things a little different each day to move me in a better direction. Now I don’t plan on being a different person or anything. When I say changes for the better I mean:

• Eating a little healthier
• Doing some push ups when I wake up
• Going for a bike ride when I get home instead of going right for the TV/Computer
• Reading whatever book I am reading at home for a few minutes instead of only while commuting
• Cleaning up after myself as soon as I am done instead of putting it off
• Organizing my tasks a little better
• Make a budget and stick to it
• Start taking the time to talk to people I have been meaning to reconnect with (this is a big one)
• Throw away all the clutter I have been holding on to for no real reason
• Cut back/out drinking and other unhealthy thing for a couple of days/weeks

Thats 10 simple things that I have been putting off/ignoring as of late. I am going to use this blog as a way of sticking to these thing. I plan on making a new section with a check list and write every day what I have done to work on all of these thing. I going ask my avid readers (all 3 of you) to help me by reminding me to get off my ass and update every day. And that in turn will make me think about working on these things every day. If I have people yelling at me I am more likely to follow through. If you know me, you know how much I hate letting people down. So use my hate of guilt to force me to do this and I will be very grateful.

Holy crap!

For those of you who are unaware, I am an atheist. I went to church as a kid, went to Sunday school, the whole 9 yards, never really did anything for me. To quote one of my favorite authors:

I felt like Jesus was sex - or rather, I felt like I was from another world where sex did not exist and I arrived on Earth and everyone talked about how good sex felt, and showed me their pornography and built their lives around sex, and yet I was forever cut off from the true sexual experience. I did not deny that the existence of Jesus was real to these people - it was merely that I was cut off from their experience in a way that was never comfortable.” - Douglas Coupland, Life After God

I would never say I know for a fact that there is no god, I just think, based on my experiences, that its more likely that he doesn’t exist. It has nothing to do with religion or my distaste for it. Its a personal opinion the same as any other. Of course people don’t tell me I’m going to hell because I liked Sega more than NES but thats another story. I don’t think any less of people who do believe in god or are religious as long as they are rational people (god doesn’t hate gays/feminists/pagans/jews/catholics/whoever pisses off Jerry Falwell this week) and can accept my opinion as I accept theirs.

The reason I’m writing this is because on Sunday (coincidence) I was flipping channels and Joel Osteen was doing his mega church sermon. I stopped cuz usually they are all the same and good for a laugh or 2 (watching Benny Hinn knock people out is the funniest thing I have ever seen done in the name of religion). But this time I actually felt good about what he was saying. He was talking about how we need to focus on the short term if we want to accomplish something in the long term. He used the example of a swimmer who was 4 seconds slower than the Olympic gold medalist that year. He broke it down: He had 4 years to get 4 seconds faster. 1 second a year. If he trained 10 months a year, he only needed to get 1/10th of a second faster a month. He focused on each 1/10th second. By the time the next Olympics came around he ended up taking home 4 gold medals. I don’t swim but I know knocking 4 seconds of a professional athlete’s time is a big deal in any Olympic sport. And I bet if he just went with the mentality that every day he practiced he was shooting to improve by even 1 second he wouldn’t have had the same success as he did with a goal of 1/10th. By breaking it down into manageable short term goals he went above and beyond his long term goal.

And thats what I got out of the sermon. I changed the channel once he got into the whole praying and thanking god stuff. But it reminded me of what I thought sermons were suppose to be: speeches on how to improve your life, lessons to learn from and use in your day to day. If you strip the idea of god and the afterlife aways from the bible, all it is is a collection of fables. Stories with life lessons about being a better person and how to treat others. Even the most militant atheist doesn’t disagree with the whole “Thou shall not kill” part. I think anyone of any religion can agree on the basic tenants of love thy neighbor and do on to others as you would have done on to you. Every religion has their on thoughts on where it goes from there but I think they all intersect at the idea of love for one another, regardless of who created you or what you believe.

My favorite charge against being an atheist is “if everyone thought that there is no god and the is no heaven and hell they would go around killing and raping each other” and so on. What that means is that the person saying that only acts like a kind and decent person because they fear the repercussions of their behavior when they die. As much as I disagree with republicans on just about everything J.C. Watts put it best:

Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught. ~J.C. Watts

I can honestly say I have never had the urge to rape or kill anyone. It’s never crossed my mind. Never been something I have been interested in. Could it be that some people are just bad people and the rest of us want nothing more than to live our lives in peace, regardless of whether we get punished or rewarded when its all over? To say that the only thing keeping people from destroying one another is fear of judgment day makes everyone kinda like the kids who act super nice and clean their rooms the 3 weeks before Christmas. If your only motivation to behave and be kind to your fellow man is the prospect of heaven or the fear of hell, can you honestly say you are a good person? Wouldn’t that make you nothing more than a suck up? Someone who just says what people want to hear to get ahead?

When I think of my religious beliefs, I think of them as freeing and eye opening. It forces me to be thankful for every day. It makes me thankful for every person. When you believe that once you die, thats it, it forces you to look at life as something with a beginning and an end. When some people are told they only have 6 months or so to live, it forces them to come to terms with their mortality. Some people in this situation use their remaining time to do all the things they always wanted to do like travel, sky dive, or finish a project they started but never finished. It makes them appreciate their family and every moment of their remaining time spent together. Death becomes a deadline for all the assignments you gave yourself. There is no more putting off the family trip to the grand canyon because you have too much work. You book the trip and go because it forces you to realize that you can get another job if you lose it but your family isn’t replaceable. I don’t think anyone should need to be given a death sentence to realize that their priorities are out of whack. When you come to terms with the idea of life being finite you can start thinking of things like money, materials, and social status in perspective. If you know it can all be over tomorrow, how concerned can you really be about keeping up with the Joneses? No one lays on their death bed and thinks “If I only had a nicer car…”.

There was an episode of Wife Swap or one of those shows where a devout evangelical christian and an atheist switch families. The most interesting part was watching the evangelical wife go to a discussion group of atheists and ask questions about what they believed. Maybe because it is still pretty taboo to announce being an atheist even in the secular society we live in, but to listen to her honestly question whether people, who were just like her besides their faith, felt things like murder, rape, child molestation and so on were wrong. I don’t think anything less of the woman for asking, in fact I thought it was great that she did because she seemed to honestly listen and think about their views. I think you could fill in atheist and evangelical with 2 other religions and it would have been the same show. It seems people would rather guess and assume what other people are thinking rather than engage them in an honest discussion and try and rectify your understand. (see Obama’s speech on race) .

The fact of the matter is, speaking for myself, I don’t think atheists view the world all that different that people with religious beliefs. I may think the concept of not eating meat on Fridays or growing the hair on your temples out are out dated and weird just as anyone who as ever watched me get excited/pissed while watching a sox/pats/celts game might think im off my rocker for caring about a sports team that much. Everyone has a different idea of what’s reasonable and what not. No 2 atheists agree on what it means to be an atheist just as no 2 people of any religion will 100% agree on how to practice their religion. I think if people openly talked about their beliefs more without taking offense to those who dissent we would find that there many more similarities between us all than the differences that created all the different religions and denominations. I hate to end on a cliché but seriously, we all bleed red. We are all humans. Stop trying to think of how you can be unique and start thinking about how you can embrace all of our similarities.

Stream of unconscience

I have family issues. I have personal issues. I have relationship issues. I have financial issues. I have social issues. I have health issues. I got made fun of in school. I feel bad about the times I picked on someone in school. I’ve done things I am not proud of. I’ve done some embarrassing things. I have a lot of stress in my life. I would be a lot happier if I had more money.

Sound like someone you know? Sound like everyone you know? Have you ever wondered why some people always seem to be in a bad mood and some never seem to stop smiling? Is there anything worse than having a bad day and being in a bad mood only to have one of those “the sun shines out of my ass” people start talking to you? Ever been having a really good day and had a “I hate the world” people try and bring you down? I have always hated when people tell you to just snap out of your bad mood like its so easy. Then it finally dawned on me. It is just a switch you can turn on and off at your leisure. It has to be. If it wasn’t there would never be any happy or miserable people. It would just be 6 billion people in constant flux from ecstatic to infuriated and back 10 times a day.

I started this off with a bunch of general statements. I bet you can identify yourself saying over 75% at one point or another. The only problem with that is we never think that at the same time you were thinking/saying those things, Most of the people you know were saying the exact same thing. Hell, 95% of the people you pass on the street are probably thinking most if not all of those things on the way to work. Yet, some are smiling, some are humming along to their iPods, some are indifferent, some look like they want to kill someone. So if everyone has the same issues (I’m not discounting anyones worries or issues, everyones issues are unique in their situation but you aren’t the only one in the world who gets in fights with your family, you’re not special, I’m sorry) then why isn’t everyone as happy/sad/indifferent/mad as you? What makes the 50yr old guy in the suit so angry at everything while the 50yr old in the suit next to him doesn’t appear to have a care in the world?

If you want to be happy right now, say this in your head: “I have it pretty good all things considered”. And if you really think about it and come to terms with it, Tada! you are now one of the millions of happy people in the world at this second. There is a terminally ill person in one of the dozens of hospitals in Boston right now who is thinking that right now and is probably smiling. He could have tubes coming out of him and been give a death sentence by his doctors but he recognizes that things could be a whole lot worse so why waste any time being miserable?

“Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.” -Harry Emerson

Who does being pissed off really hurt other than you? Do you think the guy that cut you off in traffic gives a shit that you are cursing him out the whole way to work? You think you are accomplishing anything by stewing in anger over trivial shit (in the grand scheme of things, just about everything is trivial)?

I had the pleasure of listing to people from a different town than I grew up in talk about middle school/high school last night. If you took out the names and locations I would have sworn they were talking about my own schools. Everyone knows the weird kid who smelled. There was always a group of punks that trouble seemed to follow them like a lost puppy. We all had a friend who got weird and now its awkward to see. There will always be rumors about a teacher and a student hooking up (half the time, not unfounded). We think we are all so unique and so different from one another but the more you get to know other people and find out their fears and worries you start to realize that just because its wrapped in a different package and comes in a different flavor, deep down it pretty much the same.

So next time you are in a shitty mood remember that you aren’t the first, the only, or the last to feel what you are feeling. A million people have been in your situation and managed to survive just fine. Fact: Most people you are mad at don’t know or don’t care. Fact: worrying about shit that you can’t control has never solved anything. So flip that switch. Make the choice. Make people think the sun shines from your rectal cavity. What’s the worst that happens? You piss off someone in a bad mood? That was going to happen regardless of you so to hell with them. There will always be miserable people who choose to stay that way. Don’t let yourself be one.

I’d rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid

In the beginning of 2005 I thought about killing myself. I never got to the point that I ever really thought I would go through with it but I was at the point where I could understand how someone who felt the way I was feeling could. I realized that that was over 3 years ago now. My life has changed so much since then I would barely recognize that person. My story isn’t the subject, just gives some context to how and why I’m writing this.

I have never really talked about it with anyone in real detail besides a therapist who ended up being a turd. I was living at home after dropping out of Wentworth, the only college I applied to. I graduated 13th, or something close to that, in my class, was in the top 2 in my shop, got a 1300 on my SAT’s. I was the smart one in my family. School was always easy for me. I only got bad grades when I was too lazy to do the work. I was suppose to go off to college, do well, get a good job, the whole nine yards. Ended up not liking the school, came home every weekend to work and see friends. By the time winter break came, I was miserable and even my parents could tell. My dad asked me one night before bed if I was happy at school and it forced me to realize I wasn’t. He told me that if that was the case I should figure out what would make me happy. I took that thought and decided (rather haphazardly) to switch majors to Sound Recording at UML. In the mean time I would go to Middlesex CC and work at CVS close to full time. After realizing I would need to pass an audition to get into the program I started practicing sight reading. So from December till pretty much the end of February my days consisted of sitting in my room at my parents house in front of the computer, trying to focus on practicing reading sheet music but always ending up just surfing the internet, all the while being yelled at by my mother for everything and anything she could think of (we don’t get along all that great in general, never mind having to spend all day in the same house). After a few hours of that it would be time to go to CVS and do the exact same thing I did the day before. So between the yelling, the monotony, the fact that it was winter, the feeling I let my family down by not fulfilling my potential, and all of it compounded by my A.D.D. keeping my mind in shambles (Digital A.D.D.,get it?) I felt like my life was going nowhere and wasn’t going to get any better. My best friend and I started to grow apart while he was at college and I had no desire to do anything but sit on my computer. So I started to think how all of the stress and sadness would all go away if I just wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t want to kill myself, I wanted to not exist anymore.

Ok, the point of this isn’t about suicide*. Its about perspective. I was 18, almost 19 when this all went down. I felt lost, confused, like my life had ended before it even got going. Since then I have, in no particular order:

• Changed schools twice
• Dropped out of college
• Changed jobs 3 times
• Had 3 different best friends
• Made and lost a couple dozen good friends
• Been in a couple meaningful relationships
• Lost my virginity
• Owned 3 different cars
• Been to 5 states I had never been to
• Spent 2 months in pain with an unknown disease
• Moved 3 times
• Met 100’s of new people
• Started taking medication for My A.D.D.

And thats just what I came up with off the top off my head. Again, not the point of this but giving some context. If you told me on January 15th, 2005 that on May 29th, 2008 I would be living with 3 people I have never met, living in a town I have never been to, working in a field I have never worked in, making as much as my father, I would have laughed in you face. I don’t live all that exciting a life but when I reflect on what I have done and what you have been through in 3 short years I realize I have done a lot more than I give myself credit for. I don’t think I’m the only one in this camp.

A lot of people say you should live in the moment and not worry about the past. Forget what happened yesterday and live for today. While I agree you shouldn’t dwell on the past and look towards your future, It’s not a bad idea to reflect from time to time and think about how you got to where you are. The reason we study history is to learn from our mistakes to keep from repeating them. Although this is easier said than done when you look at our foreign policy, it holds true on a personal level as well. You always thought ripping your pants open in gym class was the worst thing that ever happened to you until your grandfather passed away. You though going to Disney land for your 10th birthday was the best day ever till you had your first kiss. We tend to have a short memory when it comes to evaluating the ups and downs of our lives. I know I am especially guilty of this. When I got my braces in 8th grade I thought I would never get used to the feeling. A month later I didn’t even think about it. When I got them taken off 3 years later I thought it would take forever to get used to my teeth being smooth again. About a week later I forgot I ever had them.

I have always hated the saying “forgive and forget”. I am a big believer in the “everything happens for a reason” thing. There isn’t anything that happens that you can’t get something from. Even when it’s terrible and you feel like there is nothing good about the situation, you should get something out of it. At the very least, its something to compare the good times to to make you appreciate them more. If you forgive and forget you don’t come away with the lesson it should have taught you and you allow it to happen again and again. I think the saying should be changed “learn and move on”. You don’t need to dwell on it and you don’t have to hold a grudge. All you should do is understand how and why it happened, come to terms with it, and kindly move the fuck on with your life. The next time it happens you will be wiser and able to put it into perspective and make a better decision.

What really prompted me to write this was the though of running into a girl I haven’t talked to in over a year and what I would say when the obligatory “so what have you been up to?” question was asked. It made me realize how much my life has changed in 1 year and how I barely noticed because I have been so stuck in the moment. No matter where you are in life or what direction its heading, its not a bad idea to stop now and then and think about where you are and how you got there. If you’re in a good place, it can remind you of the bad times you’ve had and how little they mattered in retrospect. If you’re not happy with where you are, it can help you figure out why you are where you are and the changes you need to make to get where you want to be. At the very least it will keep you from overreacting to all the little bumps and hurdles you are going through.

I guess all I’m saying is, keep everything in perspective.

*For anyone who is feeling down in the dumps and toying with the idea, go outside and find a rock. Then hit yourself in your respective genitals. Then go get help. At the very least, tell someone you can trust or even kinda trust how you feel.

For anyone who thinks they know someone in a bad way, talk to them. The biggest thing they are looking for is a place to vent and someone to tell them it will get better. If that doesn’t work, hit them in the crotch with a rock then drag them to a doctor.

Or go to here (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=2) and learn the symptoms and warning signs.

Stay what you are

Nietzsche once wrote:

Do I counsel you to slay your instincts? I counsel you to innocence in your instincts.

He was talking in the context of chastity (chastity is a big word they used to use way back when that means keeping it in your pants, not just a stripper name for those who haven’t read anything besides Harry Potter and The Metro since High School. Ironic huh?*). To keep this from being a 4 page quote i’ll sum it up in to my understanding of what he wrote. The jist of it was that if you aren’t big on being celibate till marriage, don’t. It poisons your soul to act against your instincts. Don’t do it just because you are told thats what you should do. Your decisions should be based on what you think is right, not what is considered kosher for your generation. I was discussing something in regards to this the other day and it made me think of it in a lil broader terms.

Now I’m not going to tell you how to handle your sex life or what my opinions are on casual sex and what not. Thats not the point I got out of this. This is about being honest with yourself about who you are. We all lie to ourselves. We pretend things don’t really bother us when they do. We justify behaviors and actions to make ourselves feel better about them. We let things slide with people because of the other qualities they possess (ex. I know she ran over my mother but that rack is stacked!). But when it comes down to it, we know the truth. We know who we are. We know that no matter how big a front we put on, we are who we are deep down. And yet, everywhere you go you see people pretending to be ok/not be ok with things because we dare not go against the consensus or buck the trend. Whats even worse is when people do what actually makes them happy but then denies it/makes excuses for it. If you want to go out and sleep around because it what you want to do, do it. If you really like Nickleback, sing it loud. If you would rather stay home and play Sorry! than go out drinking, speak up. Don’t feel you should have to hide who you are. Don’t be ashamed that your different. Thats what makes you you.

Be a true non-conformist. It doesn’t mean having a green mohawk and wearing leather pants like every other “non-conformists” you see on the street sticking it to the man. It means being honest with yourself and being who you want to be regardless of whether its the norm or not. 97 million people watched the Super Bowl this year. There were probably 5 million die hard football fans, another 10 million die hard Pats/Giants fans, and the rest either wanted to see the commercials or just watched so they could be apart of the water cooler discussion on Monday. If you don’t like football and don’t care about seeing animals doing human things to sell products, don’t watch it. Read a trash romance novel if thats what you like to do. Play D&D with your friends if thats your jam. Don’t spend 3 hours watching a sport you don’t like and sit through mindless ads just so you can feel a little more accepted the next day. Don’t lie to yourself that you are kinda interested in it. Act like its just another Sunday night and do what you would normally do. When they ask you about it just say “I don’t like football, why would I watch it?”

Jerry Seinfeld has a joke that goes “What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.” Sure, we may suck in our guts, puff out our chests, talk more or less than we usually do, but when it comes down to it, its a meeting for people to see who the other person is. A job interviewer knows you don’t wear a suit and tie every day. Your hair isn’t always that neat. A girl knows you don’t always shave at 6pm. She knows you don’t always wear cologne just to go to the movies. They’re not interested in that for the most part. It helps, but its not the main focus (hopefully). They are trying to get a feel for who you are. What you can bring to the table. What you are all about. If your resume says you speak 3 languages and went to Harvard when you really flunked English and went to ITT Tech, its eventually going to be discovered and you will have to deal with the consequences. If you tell a girl you love chick flicks and country music, eventually she’s going to notice you bitching about the Sex and the City movie and how you grimace when Carrie Underwood comes on the radio. Your true self will always come out, even if its just for a second here and there. This is why they say you should live together and be engaged for at least 6mos before getting married. It allows you to see the true person underneath it all. People who have known each other for 5 years can learn things about each other within 3 months of living together day in and day out.

Now I’m not going to claim to be holier than thou. I have laughed at terrible jokes, said I don’t mind shitty bands, said nice things about the Yankees. Trying to fit into society is a part of living in a society. But we have been blessed enough to be alive in a time where there is so much diversity of people and ideas that we have virtually millions of different ways and places we can socialize. If you really like acting out lord of the rings in public, there are hundreds of groups you can join. 20 years ago you would just be some weirdo alone in the back yard. Now you can connect with people all over the area and meet up to battle on the common any day of the week. People might still call you a weirdo but what do you care? You are spending time with dozens of people who share your interests. For all you know, someone will see you having fun and will get the strength to join you like they have always wanted to. Thats way more enjoyable than knowing who won on American Idol. Embrace your weirdness. Its just you being you. Fuck the critics. You don’t need their approval to be happy.

Whenever I see people who really like each other together in public, and you can tell by their body language, whether they be gay, straight, fat, skinny, dressed weird, whatever, I can’t help but smile and think how happy they must be to have found someone who makes them happy and likes them for who they are. Laugh all you want at seeing two 300+lb people wearing anime t-shirts walking down the street talking about cartoons, but they have a connection that rivals any on the planet. So if you like wearing baggy pants and a sweater, do it. For all you know thats what the person next to you in skinny leg jeans and a tight t-shirt would love to wear if they had the guts. You are who you are, its up to everyone else to deal with it.

*No offense.

Red Letter Day

This is the first time the title actually goes along with the subject (sort of).

Ryan had sent me a list of skills all men should have and they were all pretty useful/entertaining/interesting things. There were a few no brainers, a few obscure things you would never think of, and a few things that really made me think. The biggest one to me was #23 which was as follows:

23. Be loyal. You will fail at it. You have already. A man who does not know loyalty, from both ends, does not know men. Loyalty is not a matter of give-and-take: He did me a favor, therefore I owe him one. No. No. No. It is the recognition of a bond, the honoring of a shared history, the reemergence of the vows we make in the tight times. It doesn’t mean complete agreement or invisible blood ties. It is a currency of selflessness, given without expectation and capable of the most stellar return.

That is pretty much a short and to the point definition of what loyalty is. Here is a little more expanded version.

Loyalty is another one of those things that everyone has their own idea of what it is and what it should be. Some people use it to describe a dog who is always by their side and obedient. I think thats more or less an animal sticking close to the thing with the food and belly scratches. There are human versions of this too. People that will be there for you because it best suits their needs and goals. This isn’t always a bad things. This is just more companionship than loyalty. You keep them around for your reasons, they stay around for their reasons. As long as everyone recognizes it for what it is, it can be a pleasant thing. But thats not the basis of loyalty.

Another common idea of loyalty is the person that sticks up for you no matter what. Its closer to what loyalty is but misses some key parts. If you stick by and stick up for someone, regardless of situation and circumstance, thats not so much loyalty as it is worship. No one is infallible. I don’t care what the Catholics say, every person on earth makes mistakes. Lots of them. Everyone does stupid shit they shouldn’t have done or realized in hind sight wasn’t so smart. I’m not saying you should abandon your friend if he makes a mistake or ignore everything you have been through over one event. Part of loyalty is being there in the good and the bad. All I am saying is that if you act blindly to their mistakes, you aren’t being loyal because you are hurting them. If you defend their mistakes you are keeping them from learning from and rectifying those mistakes.

Example : Person A fucks up. Goes out, gets wasted, breaks something. Whatever. His best friend is Person B. Person C comments on how Person A fucked up. If person B yells at Person C for talking shit about Person A, all he has done is made himself look like an ass and done nothing to keep Person A from repeating his mistakes. If Person B was really loyal he would tell Person C “Yeah, A fucked up. We’ve all been there. A’s a really good guy though and knows he fucked up.” He doesn’t condone the behavior, he just puts it in perspective and points out that this one thing shouldn’t discredit him forever. If Person A did something Person B really had an issue with, it wouldn’t be a sign of disloyalty to express that. Remember, if you agreed on everything, you wouldn’t be friends, you would be cartoon characters.

Loyalty can be something as simple as going to the same barber even if he charges more or doesn’t do as great a job but has always squeezed you in when you needed him to and he has cut your hair for the last 10 years. You stick with him, you tell him if he does something you don’t like, you say see you next time when you leave and mean it. There is a bond, superficial as it may be, that has been established and tested from both sides.

Of course when it comes to friends and family, its a little deeper. I have always tried to stick with the creed of “say as much bad shit about me as you want, I can take it. Say something bad about my friends and family, we got issues.” Again, this doesn’t mean that if someone calls my mom cheap and stubborn I’m going to try and kick their ass. I know she’s cheap and stubborn, hell, she knows she’s cheap and stubborn. But if you ever said she’s a liar, a cheater, or questioned how much she cares about her family, be prepared to taken down a couple pegs. My mother isn’t perfect. We don’t get along most of the time. But I know she would give up every thing she owned to make sure I was healthy and successful and defend me to the end of time. And because of that, I would do the same for her because of how much she has done for me without asking for anything in return.

The same goes for friends. Feel free to say you don’t like one of my friends or even the bands they play in. Not everyone is going to get along or like the same things. Just have your reasons and make sure they are legit. Tell me you think my best friend is a piece of shit because he stole your girlfriend. Fair enough. I wouldn’t like him much either if he ever did that either. I would tell you to calm down and stop over reacting but I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. Tell me he’s a piece of shit because of a rumor you heard, I’m going to set you straight. Put a hand on him in anger, watch your back. Again, loyalty isn’t about being a persons spokesperson, its about defending someone in their absence from unjustified attacks. Its about having their back when they need it most because they have yours if you should ever need it.

When it comes right down to it, Loyalty is about a bond that is established and recognized without ever having to discuss it. It’s the backbone of a relationship. Its the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Its the difference between a good friend and a great friend. Its the difference between relatives and family. If you have to ask for it, its not loyalty.